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Archive for the ‘Horrorscope’ Category

BUT, OF COURSE . . .

My horoscope:

The sirens are enticing and wooing and tempting you again. This time they say have a really fabulous deal, even better than before. They’re sorry, by the way, about the somewhat deceptive advertising they used on the last occasion you came their way. They want to assure you that they’ll never again pull the bait-and-switch routine. So are you ready to give them another chance? Don’t look to me for advice on what you should do. I’m simply here to report the situation. Besides, you need a good stiff test of your powers of discernment. Oh, one other thing: To demonstrate their sincerity, the sirens are offering you their first song and dance absolutely free.

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SUCCULENT EMOTION

Libra Horoscope for Week of May 17, 2007:

“There can be no transformation of darkness into light and of apathy into movement without emotion,” wrote psychologist Carl Jung. That should be your motto in the coming week, Libra. Clear thinking and impeccable logic will not be sufficient to guide you to your next great adventure. You need the driving force of succulent emotion rising up in your solar plexus, the lush power of raw sensitivity piercing your heart. Feel as deep as you dare.

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Libra Horoscope for Week of April 19, 2007:

You could grow moonflowers in a toxic waste dump, Libra. You could lift the spirits of a child who has been raised in grievous poverty. That’s how much regenerative power you possess right now. You might even be able to locate underground water in a desert, or resurrect a dead dream, or alleviate half of your deepest suffering. I’m not absolutely sure you could transform lead into gold, but I do know that now is one of your best chances ever to pull it off.

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RUNED FOR LIFE

Dr. Medusa! Has done a rune casting for me!

My forecast is to Kiss! Chase! Tilt!

All to the soundtrack of Morphine’s “The Night”!

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GOOD OLD VANILLA

Libra Horoscope for Week of March 22, 2007:

If we were going to equate your relationship options with varieties of ice cream, we might say that in the next eight weeks you will have a choice between Black Raspberry Avalanche, Caramel Toffee Bar Heaven, Cherry Chip ba da Bing, Grandma’s Cookie Dough, New York Strawberry Cheesecake, Cashew Praline Parfait, Peanut Butter Truffle, and good old Vanilla. Oddly enough, Vanilla might turn out to be the most gratifying. Of all the varieties, it would certainly have the best aftertaste.

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