Name: Artichoke Heart
Department: Department of Perpetual Wistfulness Interspersed with Intermittent Bouts of Chagrin
Date: January 16, 2006
Rank: Associate Professor of Perpetual Wistfulness
Degrees in Reverse Chronological Order:
M.F.A. in Muse Chasing (a.k.a. Learning to Become Whimsy and Caprice’s Bitch)
M.M. in Misanthropic Tendencies Coupled with Social Maladroitness
B.M. in Filial Disappointment
Expectations, consistent with institutional policies and subject to the concurrence of the dean and vice president, for faculty unit member performance with respect to teaching and academic advising, research, scholarship and creative activity, and service during the evaluation period as per comment of department head pursuant to Section ____.
To try and not be an asshole, to play nice with colleagues (even ones that bite), to give Students of Perpetual Wistfulness whatever they need, to successfully keep Onerous Avalanches of Administrivia at bay, to chase the muse to hell and back and somehow make sure not to come back empty-handed.
Describe your major assigned responsibilities during the evaluation period:
(a) Assist Students of Perpetual Wistfulness in any way possible;
(b) Demonstrable Muse Chasing;
(c) Serve in excruciatingly important administrative capacity as Departmental Mermaid (even though no one really ever knows whether or not to take the Departmental Mermaid seriously, and even though I had initially hoped for something much more unassuming — not as unassuming, say, as Departmental Albatross, of course — but perhaps something more along the lines of Departmental Crouton, or whatnot); and
(d) Chair subcommittee in charge of drafting gob-smackingly significant assessment document on The State of the Artichoke Heart.
Proposed major performance objectives for the next evaluation period:
(a) Acquiesce to the fact that I must once again learn to dance the Tarantella;
(b) Learn to become more forthcoming about when something makes me want to bioluminesce (or else maybe just shut up about it and keep it to my own damn self, for fuck’s sake . . . I go back and forth on this . . . opinions/suggestions welcome);
(c) Write a short story in the shape of a Russian nesting doll;
(d) Work on a novel;
(e) Play hooky on the first windy day in spring and spend all afternoon flying my heretofore unlaunched but most exceedingly marvelous Jellyfish Kite;
(f) Remember to just be;
(g) [ t h i s s p a c e l e f t i n t e n t i o n a l l y b l a n k ]; and
(h) Develop a super power, preferably something along the lines of Mothra’s antennae?
Assessments and recommendations re: faculty member’s performance to be completed by Immediate Administrative Supervisors in Comments Box below:
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