Archive for June, 2008
JM: Who need cable? See, we wrap up rabbit ear in tinfoil! Such stupid spend money for cable. How much you spend for cable every month?
AH: [Unwilling to go down this particular road.] Um . . . why do you need to know that?
JM: What you make Ajapa Face for? I have to worry about you finance! You spend money like you think you some kind Rockefeller. Not even own your own house. Everybody else your age own their own house! Your own parent come to visit you and we have to stay in motel! I so embarrass! I tell everyone going to visit my own daughter, but she make us stay in motel!
AH: You can stay in my apartment. I’ll give you my bedroom.
JM: How I can stay when such Brat Cat there? E. have house! She you age. She have house and three kid. And she chair your department! E. is Superwoman! I going to have to go stay with E. instead when I come visit! P. have house. M. have house. Everybody have house.
AH: Maybe I don’t want a house. It’s very expensive. And a lot of work. And anxiety.
JM: Yeah. Maybe you too irresponsible own house. But what you going to do about retirement?
AH: I’m on a retirement plan.
JM: But what happen when you run out of money? You should have at least two year salary in savings account for emergency! Do you even have that?
AH: Um . . . no.
JM: WHAT YOU GOING TO DO YOU RUN OUT OF MONEY WHEN RETIRE? I SO WORRY!
AH: Well, then I guess I”ll just have to kill myself.
JM: Who going to take care of your father and I if you kill yourself?
AH: No offense, but I think you’ll both be dead by then.
JM: No. We going to live forever. You have to take care of us. You get rid of you Brat Cat and buy house and we stay with you.
AH: You can stay in the English Department wing of Dakota Gardens.
JM: You stick own parent in Dakota Garden? We go stay with E. then. In her new upstairs. Away from Brat Cat.
AH: E. has two Brat Cats. And you know what? She used to have three!
JM: Such crazy! Why everyone there so crazy? I so worry! How you going to get through rest of summer when don’t get pay?
AH: I’m all set for the summer. I have plenty of money.
JM: How you going to pay for gas to drive home?
AH: I have money for that.
JM: Are you sure?
AH: Of course.
JM: I pack you cold chicken in ice cooler so you have something to eat. And apple. And soft drink. So you don’t have to spend all money like burning big hole in your pocket at Subway. They so expensive! And not give you any meat! But that way you have something to eat so you not starve to death. Okay?
AH: Okay. Thanks!
JM: [Happily.] Always suck parent dry. Just like vampire.
* * *
During Season Finale of Dancing with the Stars:
JM: Where reception go? Hey! You be useful. Go stand right there! No, more left! No, no! What’s matter with you! Other way! Maybe you go play with rabbit ear? No! That’s worse! No, there! Better! Stay right there!
AH: Like this?
JM: Maybe. I don’t know. Hurry! Kristy Yamaguchi going to dance! I don’t want to miss it!
AH: Tell Mikey to put his metal knee up.
JM: Hey, that’s good idea! [To my father.] Your daughter say put your knee up. Get better reception.
Following Kristy Yamaguchi’s Win on Dancing With the Stars:
JM: [Clapping and yelling and making a general ruckus.] Hooray, hooray, hooray! Yay! We won, we won, we won! Nobody can beat Kristy Yamaguchi! She the BEST ONE!!!
During Season Finale of Gray’s Anatomy When Reception Goes Out Entirely During Last Three Minutes:
AH: [Squinting into T.V. static.] Wait a minute. Is Dr. Torres kissing Dr. Hahn?!?!
JM: Can’t you tell? I thought you expert. Publish paper about that kind of thing on T.V.
JM: See? Maybe you not such expert after all.
I remember I used to beg my dad to take me through the Agriculture Building when he picked me up from the University Lab School I attended — it was on the way to the parking lot where he sometimes parked — because I loved, loved, loved to look at the insect mounts in the hallways. Now there’s a nice little museum.
JM: That’s red light! You have to stop!
JM: You better stop!
AH: I’m stopping!
JM: Oh! (Clutching stomach.) You stop so hard. Is gut shaker! How I’m going to survive it? Wachh! Look at that. Weather get nice and all kid come out. Like ants! You know, you have such Brat Cat, I think if you have kid they going to be completely spoil. You let do whatever they want. No punish. Completely brat.
AH: Excuse me? All hail, Queen of the Non Sequitur?
JM: You make such bigshot blahblahblah talking so pretend you don’t know what I talking about.
JM: See. Don’t make Ajapa Face at me.
AH: What’s an Ajapa Face?
JM: That’s when you make face like you don’t know what someone talking about. But you know exactly. You know that Sandra Oh? In Grey Anatomy? Always she making the Ajapa Face. So no, you listen! Don’t be tonkachi head. (As if I’m impaired.) You . . . Brat . . . Cat!
AH: What about them?
JM: They such bad manner! That one who dead? It want to eat my chicken! I could tell! Try to poke me! It want to run away with chicken bone. Hey! That’s good idea! (Laughing) Next time I come visit I feed all you Brat Cat chicken bone! Then they all choke to death!
AH: Hey! That’s not very nice.
JM: Those Brat Cat don’t how to behave when company come. Bad, bad manner.
AH: Yes, but they have great self esteem.
JM: Who care about such stupid thing?
The Decemberists on CD Player: La di da di da.
JM: Too doo roo doo roo.
The Decemberists: La di da di da.
JM: Too doo roo doo roo. Hey! Don’t turn there! No! Don’t do it! Too many cars drive on that street. It’s no good!
AH: I thought we were going to Safeway?
JM: Yeah, but this way better.
AH: Which way?
JM: I show you. No, not there. Here! Here! Turn now! Turn now! (Socks me in the arm. Aggrieved.) Too late! Go round block so we don’t have to drive on street with too many cars. Your car’s too red. Like big, big target. Everyone going to try to hit you. Make sure you park far, far away from other car in parking lot, too. They want to hit you with their door. And bang you with their shopping cart. And if you don’t double check to make sure everything all lock up, they going to break in and rob you. Here! Turn here!
AH: I have to wait for the traffic to clear.
JM: (Impatiently.) Oh! Now! Jump! Jump now! Oh, you slow poke! Why you don’t jump when I tell you to jump? Okay! Now you jump! See? Oh good! You jump!
The Decemberists: La di da di da.
JM: Too doo roo doo roo. Hey! That’s a stop sign. That mean you suppose to stop.