Pithy Nuggets Of Wisdom From My Japanese Mother
Best way is you have to be a little bit stingy. Not like you. You buy presents for everybody, go eat in restaurant, go rent movie, and buy cat food all time. Who you think you are? A Rockefeller?
Look at you. Already middle age and you don’t have own house. E. have own house. P. have own house. Why you don’t have own house yet? Aren’t you embarrass? You need to save at least two year’s salary to keep in bank and also save to make down payment on house. Otherwise you going to end up bag lady.
You need to know how to shop smart. Your father and I always shop in Dead Meat Section, and when something on sale we stock up. [Editors Note: Accounting for the fact that the basement looks like my parents are preparing for nuclear holocaust and that they are fully stocked with, for example, twenty bottles or so of vintage Breck shampoo from the 1970's, and other sundry items. I'm figuring they both must have had simultaneous multiple orgasms the day Sam's Club came to my home town.] Also, when they have good coupon sale say only one per household, I send your father with second coupon through different checkout line and say to him we pretend don’t know each other. So you should make friend go to grocery store when that happen where you at.
Regarding Personal Health Issues
Never take Nyquil and Tylenol same time because then get double dose Tylenol. We been so worry you going to forget when sick and take Nyquil and Tylenol same time.
How you get mono at your age? That supposed to be teenage kissing disease. Who you kissing? You must have the different kind, then. You must have the Middle Age Mono.
If you don’t eat enough fresh vegetable you going to get all plug up.
If you don’t chew food carefully going to go down the wrong hole and make you choke to death.
I been so worry you going to catch cold. Make sure not to leave house with head uncover and don’t let feet get wet. You need to wear those nice expensive boots we sent. Even though we on social security now we send anyway. But don’t wear boots all day. Otherwise you going to get the Athlete Foot Fungus.
On Death and Dying
When we die, all going to go to you. . . . If you been good. Otherwise I going to decide to give to somebody else.
All nice things I have I don’t even use for myself. Instead I put away and save for you for when I die. [Editors Note: This would apparently also include the legacy of Breck shampoo, every single gift of nice perfume I've ever purchased for her decades ago, and a veritable tonnage of little hotel soaps whose vintage can be calculated by the fact that a number of them are from the era when Cashmere Bouquet was the tiny hotel soap of choice.]
We been so worry that when we die you not going to know which things valuable and maybe you give to Goodwill. And we hide all expensive thing so nobody can find it. I not tell you where because none your business.
When we die don’t tell anybody that we dead. Otherwise your Aunt D. find out and come down and try to trick you and take all expensive thing and keep for herself. Your Aunt D. a bitch. So don’t tell anybody when we dead.
I so worry what going to happen to you when I die. Nobody going to want to take care of you and maybe you end up bag lady.